she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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