i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
