I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
