I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
babies were throwing up all over the place
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
