she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
