im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
