I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Everything about him screamed your future.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Randomize
