this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
