If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
