3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
