I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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