He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
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I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
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i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
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