i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
