Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
