There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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