my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Randomize
