my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
