just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
