I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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