You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Randomize
