my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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