Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
