My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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