I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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