alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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