Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
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