I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
