dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy