i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
These 31 Gross People Really Put The ‘Trash’ In ‘Trashed’
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry