i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
i out mim tonsoeep
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
