Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
