capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
