im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
no, he came in my armpit
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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