We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
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Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
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I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???