when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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