im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
