Moan for me like Helen Keller
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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