I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
