I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
