I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
