I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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