Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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