I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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