Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Randomize
