obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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