3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
