Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
i believe in u and ur pee
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
