remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
