my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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