How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
