his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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