Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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