Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
