I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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